There are so many wonderful things to tell you of Thomas James Rucklos and his life to share with you, but at this time I will write of his last month here on earth.

My precious husband, Tom, was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver at the end of July, 2000.

Tom was in & out of the hospital so many times after his diagnosis I lost count. He had his belly drained of fluid several times & nearly died twice from burst blood vessels in his esophagus and/or abdomen.

Over a year later he was finally given the approval to undergo an evaluation to get on a liver transplant list & was to be transported by Mercy Flights up to Portland's OHSU (he was near death at this time & in the Rogue Valley Hospital's Cancer ward). At the exact moment we were "given a go" by the OSHP (Oregon State Health Plan) - Tom was being visited by Luis - a beloved client/ friend/ Pastor. I waited anxiously outside Tom's hospital room to give them some private time. When Luis came out he said "Praise the Lord! Tom accepted & confessed Jesus Christ as his Lord & Savior!" - The most important prayer had been answered!

I rushed into Tom's room, he looked at me with those big doe eyes, then the team of wonderful nurses & medics came in, prepped him, and we flew up to OHSU.

On March 7th, 2002 OHSU sent him home & said they would let him know the results in a week or so. We arrived home from Portland and my dearest Tom was totally exhausted.

The next morning we had to send Tom back to the Hospital here in Medford. He had contracted Pneumonia & was totally out of it... his mind was not in the here & now... He sat up several times and exclaimed he was so scared... "I can't see! I can't see! I'm blind! Oh God Help Me!" I would put his glasses on him and put my face right in front of him... I held him and I would reassure him that he was ok, that this was only temporary. Tom's eyes were not focused on me... but were gazing into a "nothingness"... he was not "here." He was truly "walking in the valley of the shadow"... He went into a coma.... His breathing was intense & labored.

March 9th am - Tom was finally breathing easier. In the afternoon Tom awoke. He weakly sat up, looked at me and smiled. Then he exclaimed to me that he had seen God - and had been held by our Lord, in His arms! Tom said that God told him that he was loved & safe. Then Tom said that God & Jesus were there. Tom confessed to Jesus that "he was so sorry for all of his ways" and "was sorry for holding back a small part of himself." Tom told God (who was ALSO Jesus as Tom was describing this to me) "I am Yours 100% and I am so sorry for not giving myself to You totally in the past." Tom told me he was not afraid to die, and he knew he was "safe". "Cindy, I am safe, I am safe. I am saved. God told me!"

Tom then asked me "Where's Mumsie? Get Mumsie!" (Mumsie is my mother, Marion). I drove home & brought my mother back & sat in the background of the room, just watching him as he had to tell her of this experience and said he had something very important to tell her...

He then told Mumsie of his experience - of being held by Our Lord - and also apologized to her for being "so skeptical" in the past. He thanked her for being such a wonderful person and for sharing her faith with him... for the positive influence she had been to him. He said. "Mumsie, I listened to you but would let it go in one ear and out the other... just to kind of pacify you. I thought most of the Christians were hypocrites... I was wrong... I was the hypocrite! I realize now how wrong I was... and I want to thank you for all of your love & understanding, and sharing the love of Jesus with me... " (by the way, he did not complain about being afraid again).

Tom was given back to us for a few more weeks after this experience. Tom was able to come home for a few days in March. During his last days here at home he was able to give us all his love - to his daughter, to all of his animals (our four dogs and our cat), and to his sister, Mary who flew in from Canada. By this time he was confined to his bed, but would get up and about in a wheelchair. Somehow Tom found the energy to cook up a storm for us all... He made a huge batch of his famous "T.J. Reckless Bar-B-Q Sauce", 3 huge racks of baby back ribs, a large pot of his most loved Taco Soup, a homemade Boysenberry Cobbler, a batch of Fortune Cookies, and more... He also made some homemade bath salts - Tom knew how much his sister loved to soak in the bath! What a dear man... he was thinking of other's comforts, and not his own... Tom could eat barely a morsel, nor soak in a tub at that point!

On Wed. March 19th, we were given the awful news that the Oregon Health University would not put Tom on the Transplant list... I will not write of this decision as it causes me to revert to my anger at those people... and the devastation it caused my sweet husband...

Tom's body was failing fast... By his own request we took Tom back to our Rogue Valley Hospital on March 23rd. His stomach had closed off... his body was virtually staving him to death. But his will to carry on was strong. I asked him if he wanted me to stop fighting to get him a new liver... he said "Cindy, I'm not afraid to die, but I feel my work is not finished yet. Yes, please keep on trying." I thought it was God's will, too, as that very day I was contacted by our local newspaper. They wrote a beautiful, touching story of our struggle to get Tom his liver transplant and our local community started a fundraiser to try & assist with the medical expences.

Needless to say, I had been praying continually for guidance, and just at this time had a very special, spiritual experience - and was TOLD by God "Cindy, you are on the right path & do not stray or give up! Keep on your path." Within a day or two (I can't remember the exact timing) we got an appointment set up for April 17th to get him back up to Portland through the VA... His doctors tried everything they could to keep him stabilized.

During his last week in the hospital Tom had the opportunity to see most of his dear loved ones, to say good-bye to dear friends and family, whether they were able to come to the hospital, or phone him... this was a comfort to me, too. Tom was able to share his faith with those who came in contact with him... Tom did so prior to his "BIG" experience, but not as fervently... Although his body was deteriorating, I was blessed to witness his complete comfort & peace with God. He was also so loving to me. More than ever...

Tom's Birth Parents - Bud and Joyce, and half sister - Cindy - were able to come to Medford! (Tom and I found them, and have had close contact with them since 1996). My Mom, Sister Jan, Brother Jim and his wife Dianne, many friends and our business friends came to visit. Tom's sister Mary drove here from Canada and Cousin Cilie flew in from S. Dakota.

Tom had one other miraculous vision on Sunday morning, April 6th. He awoke around 8 am and was gazing around his room. (I was lying next to him in his bed, holding his fragile body...) He stared into one corner in particular. He said "Cindy, this is so strange, so strange! I can see Aunts! I see the Aunts!" Fearing that he may be having a bad hallucination, I asked him "Honey, are they People?" He said "Yes, the Aunts!" His face looked puzzled, yet calm. His eyes seemed half "here" and half "there". I asked him "Honey, is Aunt Sara here?" (Aunt Sara was the one who treated Tom as a beloved Son & was very precious to him. She passed away in 1990). Tom said "Yes, Aunt Sara is here, and all of the "Aunts." I was in tears, yet replied "Oh honey, how wonderful! Your loved ones are hear to help you! They're here to bring you home... to welcome you home! Oh Tom, you will see and will experience wonderful, beautiful things we can't even imagine and will never know here!" He dozed off and awoke quite a while later with the same peaceful, but quizzical expression on his face... He spoke "the Aunts are here" one more time... then he gazed around the room, looked up and said "...and the TV isn't even on."

This was the last conversation we had... by the afternoon his body was giving up, and he started the process of leaving us... His sister Mary, his daughter Dece, Dece's faience Tony, and I spent Sunday evening with him. We played his favorite music, we massaged his arms, legs & feet with lotion. I played part of our wedding video (we would have celebrated our 15 year anniversary on April 9th). After midnight Dece & Tony left. Mary went down the hall to try and sleep in the hospital's family room. By 1 am Tom's breathing was so loud & labored - his lungs were filled. I have never heard anything like it, nor do I ever wish to again. I stayed with Tom, loved him, spoke to him, told him not to worry about any thing he may have forgotten to tell me, that I would be all right, and begged him to go to Jesus. Around 4:45 am I told him I needed to to take a short nap, so I laid down in a cot next to him. At about 5:30 am the Nurse came in to give him another dose of morphine. His sister had awoke & came in the room at the same time. They gently woke me... The room was silent & still. He had died at about 5:25 am Monday morning, April 7th.

My heart aches for his company, my best friend, my confidant, my sweet, funny, talented, loving husband - my "honey boy". It is hard to imagine him no longer on this earth. This is my worldly grief. Yet I know in my heart I will be with him again when it is my time - in the Lord's time... in Heaven.

(If you have questions about cirrhosis, need help, or if we can be of any support to you at all, please, please email: cynthia@move2oregon.com)

Thomas James Rucklos - Born November 7th, 1953.
Taken to Heaven April 7th, 2003.
Memorial services were Friday, April 11th at St. Peter's Lutheran Church in Medford, Oregon.

While going through some of Tom's childhood keepsakes, his sister & cousin discovered Tom's first bible, some prayer books, and his lovely confirmation booklet from St. Peter's Lutheran Church (San Marino, CA) - which contained a darling photo of the 14-1/2 year old boy. These were all dated April 7th, 1968 - Palm Sunday!

Post Script August 2003:
Gifts I am still receiving from Tom: A garden full of tomatoes... carrot plants, and herbs... window boxes now full of of flowers... Butterflies & Humming Birds... I discovered some funny & wonderful things he had "stashed away"... A pair of “night vision” goggles... a poem he wrote just for me... a poem he wrote just for him... a “seal-a-meal” machine and a "Gazelle" exercise machine - both which were delivered a few days after he passed, and I had no clue he had ordered them... a stranger waiting for me next to our truck - waiting to tell me how Tom touched his life... strangers calling & emailing me out of the blue with the same sentiment... tools, gadgets & a shop full of every nut, nail, bolt, screw, wire, lumber, and just about anything Bob Vila would need... vegetable seeds, flower bulbs, pots for plants... American flags... fireworks... Bar-B-Que Sauce... and the never-ending gift of friends & family we have met & made & shared together... and of course... sharing the Gift of God’s love!

Thank you, thank you to everyone for your prayers, love and support, and valiant efforts to save Tom's life. God Bless you all!

Special Thank You's to: Luis "J". Thank you Lizzie. Thank you Doug 1, and thank you Doug 2. Thank you Enrique. Thank you Pastor Lehmann & the staff at St. Peter's. Thank you Mumsie Girl. Thank you Jannie. Thank you Dianne. Thank you Jim. Thank you Linda & thank you Paul. Thank you Cheryl & thank you "Uncle" Dan . Thank you Stacey. Thank you VeeAnnie. Thank you to my new sister Cindy & hubby Terry. Thank you Cindy "G" and Cynthia "N". Thank you Dave & Debbie. Thank you JoNell. Thank you "Uncle" Don, and thank you Adrianne.

Thank you Dr. Schleinetz, thank you Dr. Winters, thank you Jackie. Thank you Rogue Valley Medical Center... especially our angels on 2-West. Thank you Jude, Thank you Debbie, Thank you Linda "G", Thank you Rhonda Lee, Thank you "Suzie" and "Suzi".

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